#9 The Honesty Revolution
Making the argument for unravelling the power of truth in our everyday lives
Growing up, we are often taught that honesty is the best policy—a guiding principle that promises harmony and authenticity. Yet, as we venture into the complexities of adulthood, we quickly realise that this noble ideal often takes a back seat to convenience and social harmony. In our daily lives, it is not uncommon to find ourselves uttering one or two lies, be they the innocuous little white lies we tell to spare someone's feelings or the calculated falsehoods we weave to maintain peace in delicate situations.
These lies, we convince ourselves, are harmless and morally justified, while the truth becomes an inconvenient and potentially harmful force.
Consider the intricate dance of family functions, where navigating the fine line between honesty and kindness becomes an art form. We carefully choose our words, avoiding controversial topics and discreetly steering conversations away from potential conflicts. We even guard against that extra glass of wine that might loosen tongues a bit too much. For many of us, this means resorting to those familiar white lies.
Some people I know venture even further, weaving more significant fabrications about their sexual orientation, political beliefs, or impending layoffs at work.
In these situations, lying flows effortlessly, a necessary ingredient for peace and togetherness.
Throughout history, philosophers and thinkers have extolled honesty as a virtue—a defining characteristic of a virtuous person, a testament to ethical choices. Yet, we do not seek to make the same argument. Instead, we propose that viewing honesty solely as a virtue can hinder our understanding.
When reduced to virtue, honesty opens the door to justifying ethically sanctioned deception—lies spun to avoid harm, spare feelings, or paternalistically shield others from unpleasant truths. Instead, we advocate for a belief in the value of being honest more frequently, not from a moral standpoint, but because of the psychological and social benefits it offers—and the hidden costs of even the most well-intentioned lies.
Every time we deceive, even in the name of kindness, we inadvertently nurture our scepticism. Psychologists call this deceiver's distrust, a self-perpetuating cycle where our dishonesty breeds suspicion in ourselves. We begin to doubt others, ironically, because we are being untruthful.
Now, cast your mind back to those family functions. Imagine if, instead of weaving webs of falsehoods, everyone had embraced honesty. Initially, your thoughts might gravitate toward the potential negatives—arguments hurt feelings, and discomfort. Yet, let us explore the possibilities that lie beyond.
By doing this, we can create an environment of genuine connection.
We foster open and authentic dialogue, where conflicts can be addressed head-on, leading to resolution and deeper understanding. While the path to truth may not always be smooth, its rewards are immeasurable—integrity, personal growth, and a richer tapestry of human experiences.
While all of this sounds great in a newsletter, you’re probably wondering, what good can really come out of this?
The Delicate Balance: The Power of Honesty in a World of Deception
When we view the choice between deception and honesty through the lens of personal well-being and the integrity of our social fabric, we realise that it transcends mere ethics.
Fear of the other person's reaction is a prominent reason why individuals opt for dishonesty. The consequences can be daunting, for people possess an array of methods to ostracise, reject, threaten, litigate against, and punish those who dare to be honest with them.
The risks associated with honesty have never appeared more formidable. While the examples of celebrities being publicly cancelled for their actions are well-known, there is growing evidence that this phenomenon, often called cancel culture, permeates various aspects of society.
Navigating this delicate balance with nuance and understanding is crucial.
While fear may loom large, and the consequences of honesty may seem overwhelming, we need to reclaim the power of truth and forge a path towards greater integrity in our interactions.
In a world where misinformation spreads like wildfire, deep divisions plague our communities, and scepticism thrives, embracing the power of honesty as a catalyst for positive change is imperative. We can restore trust and rebuild the bonds that hold us together by fostering environments where open dialogue is encouraged and differing perspectives are respected.
The Paradox of Social Media Therapy
In the realm of social media, a new form of therapy talk has emerged—one that both mirrors and amplifies the prevailing trends. A surge can be observed in the number of individuals who often lack clear credentials and offer concise and catchy advice fueled by powerful terms such as toxicity, boundaries, gaslighting, and triggers.
Regrettably, much of this advice revolves around justifying severing ties with individuals who cause discomfort and pain. These influencers aid their followers in formulating defensive responses to both real and perceived offences, including uncomfortable truths that people prefer to avoid. Consequently, social media fosters apprehension regarding the potential negative consequences of candid interactions.
Ironically, this wave of therapeutic advice overlooks a fundamental truth: mental illness is often intertwined with feelings of isolation, and honesty serves as a pathway to alleviating the anguish of disconnection—provided individuals are willing to engage in it.
Social media platforms have become breeding grounds for fears surrounding the repercussions of genuine and unfiltered human interaction. The irony lies in the fact that the very advice purporting to offer therapeutic guidance can inadvertently perpetuate feelings of loneliness and detachment. While the intent may be to empower individuals to protect their well-being, the unintended consequence is reinforcing barriers to honest communication and suppressing genuine connection.
As we engage with social media, we must be mindful of the limitations inherent in short-form advice and the importance of seeking guidance from qualified professionals.
Moreover, we should recognise that genuine human connection is multifaceted, often requiring vulnerability and the willingness to engage in difficult conversations.
In truth, it is only through honest and open dialogue that we can bridge the gap of loneliness and forge authentic connections. By embracing honesty, we create spaces for genuine understanding and empathy to flourish. In these shared moments of vulnerability, we can find solace and support and ultimately alleviate the pain of disconnection.
Cultivating Authenticity—how do we begin?
It is vital to recognise that honesty thrives in an environment of trust and safety.
Building and nurturing faith with others enables us to express our thoughts and emotions more freely, knowing our vulnerability will be met with empathy and understanding. Foster open lines of communication, listen actively, and demonstrate genuine care for the perspectives and experiences of those around us.
Furthermore, practising active and compassionate listening is pivotal in nurturing honesty. By offering our undivided attention and demonstrating empathy, we create a space where others feel comfortable sharing their truths. This immediately creates an environment for discourse which is healthy, where diverse values, and viewpoints are respectfully exchanged.
This is a two-way street, and a very difficult one to navigate. There’s no denying this. While I write this, numerous conversations are coming to mind where I often chose silence to avoid the harsh truth from spilling out, and ruining relationships (work, family, with friends, or otherwise). The first step here is to embrace patience.
The next time you wish to resort to excuses, envision the transformation of revealing your true feelings to a friend, or a colleague. Perhaps go on to explain that you are fatigued, saddened, or experiencing social anxiety when you wish to decline working overtime or wish to decline a party invitation or need to postpone a meeting.
How do you think this new newfound honesty will reshape the dynamics of your relationship? Do you think they might respond with empathy, and support?
Choosing, to be honest, may not be your go-to choice in every situation. I know it still isn’t mine in many cases. My instincts force me to soothe things as opposed to addressing them.
But, when I started this, on a much smaller scale at home, there was a shift in the dynamics, which I could see was like a thread breaking. In a good, no, great, way. The ripple that this effect changed within my house was that I could build a stronger relationship with my parents.
We were able to create a spiral of trust and a connection which disrupted years of misunderstanding, fights, and feelings of loneliness within our home.
I urge you to resolve to embrace greater honesty, at the smallest scale possible within your daily life. By doing so, we hold the potential to transform... everything.
A Gentle Reminder