I stumbled upon a new word today, solivagant. (so-liv-a-gant)
Defined as: (adj) someone who wanders or travels the world alone; a solitary adventurer.
This morning, before I could even take a sip from the steaming mug of coffee lying next to me, I opened my emails, and found sitting there, an unwanted visitor - a stray grey cloud on a Spring morning. It was a rejection letter; to a pitch that I had sent out weeks earlier.
The reason? In my email, unfortunately, auto-correct had gotten the best of me, and in one of my lines, I had somehow misspelled the name of the publication.
Now I know, your instinct would be, to tell me to chalk this off to human error, and if you were in my shoes, I would tell you the same. But, but, but.
As a freelancer, who depends entirely upon networking, cold emails, and building relationships via technology, this was an extremely disheartening email to open 30 minutes after I woke up.
I spent the next hour cursing my phone, my self, the inventor of auto-correct, but found a way to calm down, with a sour taste in my mouth. I spoke about this incident with my husband, called my sister, bawled on FaceTime, and even took my mom through the details. They all shared their words of comfort, and wisdom. But what I realised then, was that I missed having someone understand, truly understand, what I went through.
It took me back to a moment in my last job, where a fellow writer faced a two-hour evaluation meeting with our senior editor for misquoting a celebrity. While the judgment she was met with was valid, what helped her was post-work drinks, where we sat for three hours, with unlimited sangria, and listed out all the reasons we hate our editor. The next morning, aside from a nasty hangover, we both decided we would never put ourselves in a situation like that again.
The camaraderie. Meeting in the common kitchen with the pretext of filling up our water bottles, but only to check up on each other after a particularly long day of work, or bad meeting. Talking short breaks in the fashion room, or downstairs to gossip about other colleagues. Or just turning our chairs around at work to huddle as soon as our editor had her back turned to us. While this sounds extremely childish for adults at work, this was our respite. The knowing looks we would throw at each other when one of us was being reprimanded by the senior designer, or marketing head - these somehow had a way of calming us down at work.
Of reminding us that we are not alone.
And today. Looking out of the window, at the view that has been my desk view for the past six years of freelancing, a wave of loneliness crashes over me. One I’m all too familiar with, and yet, have no way of stopping.
For this, is one of the cons of freelancing that today’s new-age ‘fun-employed’ or ‘fun-lancers’ don’t make reels about.
But, before I get ahead of myself. Let me make it clear: I love being a freelancer.
I love everything about choosing my own work, setting my own routine, and picking the topics that I want to explore or write about. But it wasn’t always, and as you just read above, isn’t always, as merry as it sounds.
Aside from the sarcastic commentary from some family, and friends, about how comfortable my life must be, as I work from my bed (which, I mean, guilty, of course), or the constant struggle of having to convince editors that you’re right for the work, with of course, the underlying fear that you might just read your ideas “tweaked” (of course) in that very publication written by an intern or now worse, AI, being a freelancer comes with its own set of, I would go so far as to say daily struggles. And at the top of that list, I would pen down, loneliness.
List Of Struggles - The Freelancer Edition
Loneliness
As a freelancer, I’ve often found myself in survival mode.
Some months pass by in a blur of projects, and looming deadlines, and I frantically struggle, much like my best friend does when she tries to stay afloat in the pool, to keep my head above water. Some days, anxious, and sweat-ridden hiding behind layers of make-up that suddenly feel too much for a morning meeting, I zoom (see what I did there) into panic mode when I’m meeting new clients - being the only person ‘representing’ myself, I have to fill in all the awkward silences myself, as I also take a moment to re-wire my brain, and instruct it to calm down.
There are projects, I’m not proud of even adding to my portfolio, but I took them on because I didn’t have any projects in the pipeline, and I was scared I would become obsolete.
The unpredictable nature of freelancing doesn’t leave much room for reflection, or planning. I’ve tried using Notion to boost my productivity (and in turn, spent more time setting up than actually doing the work), I’ve gone old-school, and tried to use (vegan) leather-bound calendar diaries, to track my work, projects, and sometimes moods. It took me some trial and (many) errors to realise, that my growth as a freelancer, is a part of my work.
Does that make sense?
Just as essential as it is, to schedule meetings, draft out pitch emails, and do research for clients, meeting up with a fellow creative for coffee, or an old colleague to refresh your self (and industry knowledge) is a part of the job. Taking a couple of hours to read a book, or learn a new tool is a part of your job. Picking up a hobby, or choosing a side project is a part of your job. Call them self-indulgent tasks, but it’s these pieces that, when put together, bring meaning to an otherwise very lonesome freelance life.
In no way am I writing this to discourage you, in fact, it’s quite entirely the latter.
Freelancing leaves it all up to you. This is both a scary, and liberating feeling.
You can either stare into the void, and jump in head-first, or you can lean into it.
I still have to keep reminding myself not to focus on the negative feelings that are brewing (especially that one particular itch, that despite all these years, countless projects later, I’m still not doing it right) and instead, follow the positives.
Recently, I had an impulse to paint Ghibli clouds in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, I took a break and did it.
After a particularly great interview with a sex therapist on kinks, I called a friend and shared a few fun facts I learned.
I’ve been introduced to new authors, and books that have changed the way I view life.
I change up my schedule in the middle of a day, if my father is in the mood to eat something particularly delicious.
I have the flexibility (and in turn: freedom) that comes with freelance is unparalleled.
But then again, like all powers, it must be used with great responsibility.
And so, I just leave you one thought for today - yes, I guess you probably could have skipped the 1000+ words above, and come to this one thought:
Freelancing isn’t fun, and it isn’t supposed to be either. It will challenge you. It will leave you drowning in a pool of self-doubt, imposter syndrome, writer’s block, and then some.
It will liberate you. The pride of receiving your first self-made cheque. Of getting recognised at an international level for that marketing campaign that you worked on through nights. When you pick up a call from a founder who got your number through a client, and said that you came highly recommended. And then some.
And then some.
And then some.